Self-belief. Or lack of.
A few months ago I started writing a book about happiness, and more recently I’ve started writing this blog about happiness. Spreading happiness is something I passionately believe in and want to do but a few months ago when it actually came to writing the book and the blog, something was stopping me. I had a huge attack of the wobbles, a massive lack of self-esteem. What was it? Why was this happening? I did a lot of thinking and realised I must have some sort of belief that was holding me back. So I set out to unearth it.
We all have beliefs about ourselves and the world. Most of these are formed in childhood and most we’re not even aware of - we often only notice them when they stop us from doing something. It’s tempting to analyse where they came from, but to me this seems less important. The real value in analysing beliefs comes from simply recognising that they exist, understanding how they impact you and then working out how to change them.
Most of the negative beliefs that hold us back come down to one underlying belief - that we’re simply not good enough. And once we have that idea in our heads, wherever it originally came from, it’s difficult to shake. We find ourselves looking for evidence that we are bad, that we will fail, that we are stupid. And whatever we look for we are sure to find!
In my case, my wobbles came from me not feeling qualified enough to write about happiness, not enough of an expert. Because I’m not a professor of positive psychology, a practising psychiatrist, a monk or a coach who in my mind all seem to be regarded as legit or credible sources to write about happiness. Now if I was going to set up a counselling practice, I might need one of these things. But I have no intention of doing so, or claiming I’m something I’m not, so why am I worrying about it?
This unhelpful belief is clearly holding me back, and I don’t want to end up on my death bed regretting that I didn’t do something I love all because of some half-arsed poxy belief that only I actually believe. I decided to take evasive action.
What I needed to do was turn this belief around. I needed to start behaving as if I believed the opposite was true. That I am in fact good enough! But the pesky thing about beliefs is that you really have to believe them. Ironic eh? So how was I going to convince myself that it was true?
Well instead of looking for evidence that I’m not good enough, I started collecting evidence that I am in fact good enough. I stopped looking at what I haven’t got and started looking at what I have got. In this case, there were a few things:
1) One of my values is ‘fun’ and I believe that I and everyone else has a right to be happy. This is a good intention to have when writing anything about happiness!
2) I spend most of my waking hours (when not working) either researching or contemplating how to be happier - it really is my passion.
3) I can understand the things I read and learn and convey them simply, and engagingly (I hope) to others.
4) I have in my time been at worst, grumpy and depressed, and at best, discontent. I have now learned lots of ways to be happy and have been successful at this.
5) There is no right or wrong answer about what makes humans happy. We’re all entitled to our opinions and that means I am too.
And how can I (and you for your own beliefs) make these new beliefs stick? Once you’ve come up with some plausible evidence that you are what you want to be (i.e. good enough), you remind ourself of it everyday.
I’ve written a summarised version of the above and put it in a place I will see it every day and make a point of reading it to myself. I’ve also made it into a little mantra and the screenshot on my phone. I am good enough, and I’m going to keep telling myself that until I truly believe it.
